好好寫場字

我常常跟著身體的感覺走，我信賴我的身體，並以此來理解我自己。但有時候，身體傾向的方向，和腦子的認知不同，這時我需要停留。今天早上便是這樣停留的時刻，我一邊磨著咖啡豆，烤箱正在預熱，我問自己你需要怎麼停留？我的身體回答我它想要寫字，但是寫什麼？一年前寫過《莊子》和現代詩，現在你想寫什麼？《聖經‧創世紀》有我許多年前的劃線：

　　Yahweh God shaped man from the soil of the ground and blew the breath of life into his nostrils, and man became a living being.

　　Yahweh God planted a garden in Eden, which is the east…From the soil, Yahweh God caused to grow every kind of tree, enticing to look at and good to eat, with the tree of life in the middle of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

　　Yahweh God took the man and settled him in the garden of Eden to cultivate and take care of it. Then Yahweh God gave the man this command, ‘You are free to eat of all the trees in the garden. But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you are not to eat; for, the day you eat of that, you are doomed to die.

　　Yahweh God said, ‘It is not right that the man should be alone. I shall make him a helper’…Then, Yahweh God made the man fall into a deep sleep. And while he was asleep, he took one of his ribs and closed the flesh up again forthwith. Yahweh God fashioned the rib he had taken from the man into a woman, and brought her to the man. And the man said:

　　This one at last is bone of my bones
　　　and flesh of my flesh!
　　She is to be called Woman,
　　　because she was taken from Man.


用毛筆寫到這裡，「她被稱為女人，因她來自男人。」覺得不再想繼續，宣紙順著圓凳再拉下一段，我開始寫起「照見五蘊皆空」至「究竟涅盤」，逐漸寫出一種屬於自己的氣蘊。但我的字常只有一體的連貫，而沒有個體的精緻，就如同我的邏輯，呵成的氣勢大於縝密的推論，我終究不是嚴謹的人，也沒什麼章法，否則不會拿毛筆寫英文印刷體，卻又寫得像書寫體。

我開始理解這段停留想要告訴我什麼。

形式上，我很少遵從某一種成規，卻又在某種秩序下；我既不信仰Yahweh God或是觀自在菩薩，但又十分喜歡祂們；我的宇宙觀更接近量子物理的世界，所有的物質都相互連結，而你周遭連結的事物定義了你是誰。所以內容上，〈創世紀〉讓我每感欣喜，而〈心經〉則讓我清澄，我的孩童時光常在田埂上啃甘蔗看神話度過，那時的我逐漸有了認識這個世界的知識，逐漸區辨好壞和有無。

我是這麼喜歡這個世界，以致於我願意吃下智慧樹的果子；我是這麼熱愛生命，以致於我願意有所生死；我是這麼喜愛人類的集體智慧，以致於才有「無智亦無得」；我是這麼願意去愛，以致於我願意受傷。我的認知告訴我，那個方向會受傷，但如果為了避免受傷而不去經歷，我也將無法安撫我的身體，因為我也避免了一切的可能性，避免了一場豐厚的歷程。

豐厚的歷程，不在最終的獲得，而在投入的當下，在寫字的當下，逕自豐美。